When I started down my path to recovery I didn’t know what I was looking for nor did I have any idea of what I would find. I just knew that I had an emptiness inside that even meth couldn’t pacify. I have so many reasons why I craved recovery and so much to live for. I had a soul sickness which needed to be healed and a blind leap of faith was necessary in order to fill the void. At that point I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Recovery has taught me so much. I have a newfound love of life and that emptiness is now filled with joy, confidence, and faith. My perspective on life has shifted immensely. The different lenses I see through are based on my experiences but I can challenge those views and see different angles. I now have the strength to realize that I am in charge of my life.
Recovery is connecting with like-minded people who love you no matter what and who show up repeatedly proving that you are worth it. It is having a shoulder to cry on all the way across the country in Paramus, NJ or Seekonk, MA and then turning around to be that exact same shoulder for them to cry on all the way from Montana.
Recovery is learning to believe in yourself and turning shame into hope. It’s about being an open book in hopes that you can help someone else heal through their pain. Today I am able to use my voice and when my head hits my pillow at night I have a clear conscience.
Recovery is feeling the ecstatic hugs from my little boy and little girl when they first see me and hearing their sad cries when I leave but today I am certain that the distance between us is only temporary. The hoops I have to jump through are necessary considering my history and my patience and understanding will eventually pay off. My sweet children teach me so much about life and I am able to learn from them and see the world through their curious eyes. There really is beauty in everything!
Recovery has allowed me to show up for the people in my life and be present without a dark cloud hanging over my head. Recovery means I can genuinely feel proud of myself when my mom and dad say “Sis, we are so proud of you!” It is finding out that my brothers have loved me all along but they had to distance themselves because they knew I wasn’t in the driver’s seat anymore and at the rate I was going the wreckage was too much to bear.
Recovery is feeling love and finally being able to accept it. It is having a healthy relationship with Kyle filled with adventure and joy rather than lies and deceit. It is about being a team player and contributing joy to the lives of those I love.
Most of all, recovery means finding true inner peace and being able to step out of the ring because I no longer have to fight. It takes a different of courage to stop fighting and surrender. I have endured too much to be indecisive about my power and I have wasted too many years of my life fighting everything I love to protect my addiction. I don’t need it to survive and recovery has taught me just that…..I am ok being me! No more, no less, just me!